Mark Twain Quotes
See All The Banking Quotes
A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
See All The Comfort Quotes
Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
See All The Advice Quotes
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
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An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven't been done before.
See All The America Quotes
Barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough.
See All The Truth Quotes
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
See All The Reading Quotes
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's I mean.
See All The Education Quotes
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
See All The Society Quotes
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.
See All The Bravery Quotes
Do something every day that you don't want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.
See All The Advice Quotes
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
See All The Advice Quotes
Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
See All The Advice Quotes
Education: that which reveals to the wise, and conceals from the stupid, the vast limits of their knowledge.
See All The Education Quotes
Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable.
See All The Fact Quotes
Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.
See All The Truth Quotes
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
See All The Fact Quotes
Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
See All The Happiness Quotes
Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.
See All The Habit Quotes
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
See All The Honesty Quotes
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
See All The Humor Quotes
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
See All The Money Quotes
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.
See All The Funny Quotes
I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.
See All The Knowledge Quotes
I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won't.
See All The Truth Quotes
I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
See All The Life Quotes
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
See All The Education Quotes
I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.
See All The Exercise Quotes
I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.
See All The War Quotes
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don't know.
See All The Knowledge Quotes
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
See All The Loyalty Quotes
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
See All The Truth Quotes
In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.
See All The Funny Quotes
In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination.
See All The Religion Quotes
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
See All The Education Quotes
It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress.
See All The Government Quotes
It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them.
See All The Ironic Quotes
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
See All The Advice Quotes
It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
See All The Bravery Quotes
It is easier to stay out than get out.
See All The Reality Quotes
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
See All The Ironic Quotes
It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.
See All The America Quotes
Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it.
See All The Funny Quotes
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
See All The Inspirational Quotes
Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
See All The Success Quotes
Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
See All The Life Quotes
Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.
See All The Religion Quotes
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.
See All The Parent Quotes
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
See All The Procrastination Quotes
Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
See All The Religion Quotes
Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
See All The Food Quotes
Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
See All The Government Quotes
The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up.
See All The Happiness Quotes
The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
See All The Weather Quotes
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
See All The Knowledge Quotes
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
See All The Humor Quotes
The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.
See All The Reading Quotes
The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.
See All The Wisdom Quotes
The universal brotherhood of man is our most precious possession.
See All The Friendship Quotes
The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.
See All The Lonely Quotes
There are people who strictly deprive themselves of each and every eatable, drinkable, and smokable which has in any way acquired a shady reputation. They pay this price for health. And health is all they get for it. How strange it is. It is like paying out your whole fortune for a cow that has gone dry.
See All The Life Quotes
There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
See All The Science Quotes
Time cools, time clarifies; no mood can be maintained quite unaltered through the course of hours.
See All The Time Quotes
Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.
See All The Truth Quotes
Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
See All The Profanity Quotes
Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
See All The Moderation Quotes
We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read.
See All The Justice Quotes
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not.
See All The Youth Quotes
When in doubt, tell the truth.
See All The Truth Quotes
When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet deep down in his private heart no man much respects himself.
See All The Respect Quotes
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
See All The Life Quotes
When you cannot get a compliment any other way pay yourself one.
See All The Advice Quotes
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.
See All The Society Quotes
I cannot call to mind a single instance where I have ever been irreverent, except toward the things which were sacred to other people.
See All The Satire Quotes
He had discovered a great law of human action, without knowing it - namely, that in order to make a man or a boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to obtain.
See All The Desire Quotes
Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it.
See All The War Quotes
A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
See All The Truth Quotes
Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.
See All The Advertising Quotes
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
See All The Imagination Quotes
The history of our race, and each individual's experience, are sown thick with evidence that a truth is not hard to kill and that a lie told well is immortal.
See All The History Quotes
A human being has a natural desire to have more of a good thing than he needs.
See All The Desire Quotes
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
See All The Freedom Quotes
It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you: the one to slander you, and the other to get the news to you.
See All The Friendship Quotes
Man is the Only Animal that Blushes. Or needs to.
See All The Ironic Quotes
There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice.
See All The Temptation Quotes
The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.
See All The Insanity Quotes
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.
See All The Success Quotes
Sane and intelligent human beings are like all other human beings, and carefully and cautiously and diligently conceal their private real opinions from the world and give out fictitious ones in their stead for general consumption.
See All The Opinion Quotes
Of all the creatures that were made, man is the most detestable. Of the entire brood he is the only one--the solitary one--that possesses malice. That is the basest of all instincts, passions, vices--the most hateful. He is the only creature that has pain for sport, knowing it to be pain. Also--in all the list he is the only creature that has a nasty mind.
See All The Anger Quotes
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
See All The Talent Quotes
When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.
See All The Dishonesty Quotes
The report of my death was an exaggeration.
See All The Death Quotes
The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them.
See All The Innovation Quotes
Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
See All The Wisdom Quotes
Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
See All The Marriage Quotes
What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.
See All The Funny Quotes
The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
See All The Friendship Quotes
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
See All The Reality Quotes
Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
See All The Practice Quotes
Our opinions do not really blossom into fruition until we have expressed them to someone else.
See All The Opinion Quotes
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
See All The Reading Quotes
How little a thing can make us happy when we feel that we have earned it.
See All The Happiness Quotes
Laws are sand, customs are rock. Laws can be evaded and punishment escaped but an openly transgressed custom brings sure punishment.
See All The Law Quotes
[Humanity] has unquestionably one really effective weapon-laughter. Power, money, persuasion, supplication, persecution-these can lift at a colossal humbug-push it a little-weaken it a little, century by century; but only laughter can blow it to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.
See All The Humor Quotes
I am not one of those who in expressing opinions confine themselves to facts.
See All The Opinion Quotes
The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to other creatures; but the fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creature that cannot.
See All The Moral Quotes
A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.
See All The Truth Quotes
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
See All The Education Quotes
A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.
See All The Character Quotes
A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read.
See All The Reading Quotes
A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.
See All The Success Quotes
A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape.
See All The Time Quotes
Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.
See All The Wisdom Quotes
Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
See All The Advertising Quotes
Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.
See All The Humor Quotes
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
See All The Age Quotes
All generalizations are false, including this one.
See All The Funny Quotes
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
See All The Anger Quotes
Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.
See All The Sincerity Quotes
As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake.
See All The Moderation Quotes
Be careless in your dress if you will, but keep a tidy soul.
See All The Soul Quotes
Better a broken promise than none at all.
See All The Dishonesty Quotes
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
See All The Ironic Quotes
Buy land, they're not making it anymore.
See All The RealEstate Quotes
Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.
See All The Weather Quotes
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
See All The Funny Quotes
Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.
See All The Fear Quotes
Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
See All The Life Quotes
Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.
See All The Inspirational Quotes
Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.
See All The Education Quotes
Everything has its limit - iron ore cannot be educated into gold.
See All The Education Quotes
Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
See All The Humor Quotes
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
See All The Forgiveness Quotes
George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie.
See All The Youth Quotes
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
See All The Funny Quotes
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
See All The Funny Quotes
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
See All The Golf Quotes
Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
See All The Life Quotes
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
See All The Humor Quotes
Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.
See All The Humor Quotes
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
See All The Funny Quotes
I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.
See All The Arrogant Quotes
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
See All The Funny Quotes
I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.
See All The Procrastination Quotes
If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat.
See All The Green Quotes
In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
See All The Weather Quotes
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
See All The Knowledge Quotes
It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.
See All The Advice Quotes
It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.
See All The Green Quotes
It is not best that we should all think alike; it is a difference of opinion that makes horse races.
See All The Opinion Quotes
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
See All The Golf Quotes
It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.
See All The Fiction Quotes
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
See All The Wisdom Quotes
Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
See All The Kindness Quotes
Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.
See All The Law Quotes
Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.
See All The Communication Quotes
Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.
See All The Happiness Quotes
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
See All The Life Quotes
Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.
See All The Loyalty Quotes
Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it.
See All The Government Quotes
Man - a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
See All The Religion Quotes
Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.
See All The Envy Quotes
Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.
See All The Evil Quotes
My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.
See All The Reading Quotes
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
See All The Invention Quotes
Necessity is the mother of taking chances.
See All The Necessity Quotes
No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon.
See All The Religion Quotes
Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
See All The Parent Quotes
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
See All The Habit Quotes
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
See All The Dishonesty Quotes
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
See All The Law Quotes
Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.
See All The Patriotism Quotes
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.
See All The Patriotism Quotes
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
See All The Education Quotes
Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.
See All The Gluttony Quotes
Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
See All The Writing Quotes
The educated Southerner has no use for an 'R', except at the beginning of a word.
See All The Funny Quotes
The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
See All The Life Quotes
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
See All The Money Quotes
The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little.
See All The Age Quotes
The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.
See All The Ironic Quotes
The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.
See All The Youth Quotes
The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it.
See All The Knowledge Quotes
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
See All The Food Quotes
The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all.
See All The Opinion Quotes
The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.
See All The Funny Quotes
The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
See All The History Quotes
There are lies, damned lies and statistics.
See All The Dishonesty Quotes
There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.
See All The Happiness Quotes
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.
See All The Desire Quotes
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
See All The Youth Quotes
Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others.
See All The Wisdom Quotes
Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.
See All The Work Quotes
Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so.
See All The Truth Quotes
Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.
See All The Truth Quotes
Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
See All The Profanity Quotes
We Americans... bear the ark of liberties of the world.
See All The America Quotes
We have the best government that money can buy.
See All The Government Quotes
What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.
See All The Tax Quotes
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
See All The Marriage Quotes
When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.
See All The Dishonesty Quotes
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
See All The Profanity Quotes
When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.
See All The Arrogant Quotes
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
See All The Love Quotes
When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.
See All The Age Quotes
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.
See All The Death Quotes
Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.
See All The Fiction Quotes
Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself.
See All The Writing Quotes
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
See All The Work Quotes
Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.
See All The Work Quotes
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
See All The Age Quotes
Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth.
See All The Life Quotes
