Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
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You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'
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Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
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According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.'
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There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
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A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
See All The Funny Quotes
Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
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Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
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Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
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That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
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The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
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There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'
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Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
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I had 10,000 things that I like doing on the show itself, and certainly among them was telling George he had a problem, especially one he wasn't aware of.
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I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
See All The Humor Quotes
I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
See All The Ironic Quotes
To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.
See All The Life Quotes
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews, Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.
See All The Military Quotes
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
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People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
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My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
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A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
See All The Reading Quotes
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
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