I didn't really say everything I said.
- Yogi Berra


I lurched away from the table after a few hours feeling like Elvis in Vegas - fat, drugged, and completely out of it.
- Anthony Bourdain


I'm a bad woman, but I'm damn good company.
- Fanny Brice


Some folks look at me and see a certain swagger, which in Texas is called "walking."
- George_W Bush


We allow no geniuses around our Studio.
- Walt Disney


If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
- Albert Einstein


Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
- Ben Franklin


I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.
- Chelsea Handler
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This week Jamie Lynn Spears announced that she's pregnant. I think she should opt for adoption. I would never recommend abortion, unless you've got the punch card filled up, and the eighth one is free.
- Chelsea Handler
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In a statement to the Associated Press earlier in the year, Jamie Lynn said she didn't have a boyfriend. She said, 'I'm keeping my options open.' And by options, she meant legs.
- Chelsea Handler
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This year Heidi Fleiss will be opening the Stud Farm, her all-male brothel outside of Las Vegas. This is for women to find men. If you're a guy looking for a guy, you still have to find it at the airport bathroom.
- Chelsea Handler
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Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing nothing but gold paint. That's a unique way to cover up herpes.
- Chelsea Handler
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According to Life & Style, Lance Armstrong was seen canoodling with fitness model Kim Strother, and the night before, he was with Ashley Olsen. He's going from bar to bar picking up women-how does he get them home? Does he put them on the handlebars, or does he have a banana seat?
- Chelsea Handler
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According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious-Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.
- Chelsea Handler
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David Hasselhoff was hospitalized after falling off the wagon again. He probably got used to drinking too much, because for years he never had to worry about driving anywhere-his car drove itself.
- Chelsea Handler


At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.
- Chelsea Handler
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Kiefer Sutherland is spending the holidays behind bars, so for Christmas he’ll need crossword puzzles, stationery, magazines, a cork and a rape whistle.
- Chelsea Handler


It looks like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are 'taking a break.' Their engagement is off, and Heidi is going back to Colorado. This is really sad for Heidi and for all the Hills fans and for the entire state of Colorado.
- Chelsea Handler


Katie Holmes told In Style magazine that Tom's turned on by the sight of her in a suit and miniskirt. Tom also likes it when Katie wears the monitoring bracelet on her ankle.
- Chelsea Handler


Amy Winehouse's mother wrote an open letter to the News of the World newspaper telling Amy she's worried about her and to please call her. I doubt this is the best way to communicate with Amy-she should try spelling it out in lines of cocaine.
- Chelsea Handler


Rumer Willis was having a great time at the opening of a club when her twin walked in, also known as her dad, Bruce Willis. How embarrassing for her, she's out with her friends and they're like, 'Umm, Rumer, I think your dad put something in my drink.'
- Chelsea Handler


Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it...or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her.
- Chelsea Handler


Angelina Jolie's older brother James Haven, the one she made out with, has a license plate on his SUV that reads Shiloh. Maybe it's not that weird. After all, he could be the father.
- Chelsea Handler


According to Life & Style Weekly, 50 Cent may be working on Lindsay Lohan's next album. Finally, a match made in rap heaven. He's a convicted drug dealer who's been shot nine times, and she spent 84 minutes in prison. This is a big step for Lindsay. The last time Lindsay got near a black guy she ran over his foot.
- Chelsea Handler


Hulk Hogan's wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. And soon, Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon.
- Chelsea Handler


Thanksgiving is coming. I wonder what the holiday will be like at Dog the Bounty Hunter's house-obviously, they'll have a turkey with all-white meat.
- Chelsea Handler


I watched the American Music Awards last night. Beyonce lost in all three of her categories, but she did win a special award-which was our way of saying we still love you but we need to see other people.
- Chelsea Handler


Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie's baby shower, and they're serving sushi. Awesome, Paris-sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury.
- Chelsea Handler


Nicole Richie's baby shower is going to be this Sunday at 12:30 in the afternoon. It should be a very special event-many of these people are going to be seeing each other for the first time in broad daylight.
- Chelsea Handler


Boy George has been charged with falsely imprisoning a man who'd gone to his apartment to pose for photographs. Going to Boy George's house to get your picture taken is like going to David Copperfield's island for a 'radio opportunity.'
- Chelsea Handler


A Catholic priest who's been sending threatening notes to Conan O'Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.
- Chelsea Handler


George Clooney and Fabio apparently got into a scuffle at a restaurant in Los Angeles over the weekend. George thought the women with Fabio were taking pictures of him. How embarrassed is George Clooney to be in a fight with Fabio? Who is he going to call out next, Lorenzo Lamas?
- Chelsea Handler


Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We're in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.
- Chelsea Handler


The L.A. Times is reporting that Britney Spears' album Blackout will be number one on the Billboard charts. Not to toot my horn, but I predicted this on my show a week ago. No one wanted to believe me-even I didn't want to believe me, but now I know how Nostradamus feels.
- Chelsea Handler


Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out-why not just wait until you're crowning?
- Chelsea Handler


Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes reportedly sleep in separate bedrooms of their mansion, because Tom snores. They also have their own bathrooms...in case Katie has to get up in the middle of the night and ask Tom's permission to pee.
- Chelsea Handler


According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious-Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.
- Chelsea Handler


A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half?
- Chelsea Handler


Drew Carey was the guest on Ellen's breakdown show. You know, the next night, when he was hosting The Price Is Right, he ended his show with 'Don't forget to spay and neuter your pets, and for God's sake don't ever take one away from Ellen!'
- Chelsea Handler


Lance Bass has a new autobiography titled Out of Sync. We don't need to read it, we already know how it ends-Justin is really successful, and Lance is gay.
- Chelsea Handler


Kiefer Sutherland has agreed to serve 48 days in jail for his DUI convictions. That's 245 months in Jack Bauer years.
- Chelsea Handler


Lindsay Lohan fell in love while in rehab. Who wouldn't? You share meals together, gaze into each other's eyes, talk about your feelings and share one romantic sunset after another-for roughly $50,000 a month. Pretty pricey, considering a month of eHarmony.com is only $21.
- Chelsea Handler


This weekend, Pam Anderson tied the knot with Rick Salomon in Las Vegas. The minister who married them said, 'Is there anyone here who believes this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony?' And then he raised his hand.
- Chelsea Handler


For months there have been rumors that J.Lo is finally pregnant with Marc Anthony's baby. She was afraid it might never happen. I'm afraid it's going to look like Marc Anthony...
- Chelsea Handler


Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon just got themselves a marriage license. I think before she gets married again Pam needs to slow down and think about whether this is really the man she wants to spend three or four months of her life with.
- Chelsea Handler


Paula Abdul's really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she’s going to go crazy-er.
- Chelsea Handler


I don’t know what's going on with Britney. I think by now she's her own species. We need to catch her, tag her and send her back out into her natural habitat-Starbucks-so we can observe her and learn more about her.
- Chelsea Handler


An L.A. County Superior Court judge issued an order today taking custody of Britney's two children away from her. K-Fed was surprised when Larry Birkhead swooped in at the last moment and grabbed them for himself.
- Chelsea Handler


Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It's the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.
- Chelsea Handler


Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly laughs you've come to expect from Jessica Alba.
- Chelsea Handler


I was raised half-Jewish/half-Mormon. I was the youngest of six. At 5 years old, I was asked to pick. My sister was, like, 'Jew, Jew, pick Jew.' So I went with the dreidel.
- Chelsea Handler


I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara (Reid), who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway - not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.
- Chelsea Handler


People ask me if I could fly, I said, 'yeah.... for a little while.'
- Michael Jordan


If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
- Abraham Lincoln


I was a puke brunette.
- Jenny McCarthy


Who said nights were for sleep?
- Marilyn Monroe


It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.
- Marilyn Monroe


I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
- Marilyn Monroe


You can put lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig.
- Barack Obama
Mug

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
- Ronald Reagan


But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.
- Ronald Reagan


I never drink coffee at lunch. I find it keeps me awake for the afternoon.
- Ronald Reagan


No matter what time it is, wake me, even if it's in the middle of a Cabinet meeting.
- Ronald Reagan


A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
- Jerry Seinfeld


Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
- Jerry Seinfeld


Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
- Jerry Seinfeld


Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
- Jerry Seinfeld


That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
- Jerry Seinfeld


The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
- Jerry Seinfeld


There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'
- Jerry Seinfeld


Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
- Jerry Seinfeld


I had 10,000 things that I like doing on the show itself, and certainly among them was telling George he had a problem, especially one he wasn't aware of.
- Jerry Seinfeld


I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.
- Mark Twain


In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.
- Mark Twain


Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it.
- Mark Twain


What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.
- Mark Twain


All generalizations are false, including this one.
- Mark Twain


Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
- Mark Twain


Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
- Mark Twain


Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
- Mark Twain


I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain


I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
- Mark Twain


The educated Southerner has no use for an 'R', except at the beginning of a word.
- Mark Twain


The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.
- Mark Twain


Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
- Robin Williams


Do you think God gets stoned? I think so... look at the platypus.
- Robin Williams


Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.
- Robin Williams


I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.
- Robin Williams


If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
- Robin Williams


Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.
- Robin Williams


See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
- Robin Williams


The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
- Robin Williams


We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
- Robin Williams


When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
- Robin Williams